Things to do on the way to work.

1) Run up the stairs at the train station in a panicked fashion, making other commuters think the train is coming. Watch smugly and see them bust a gut.

2) Whilst waiting for the train, purposefully edge towards the platform, looking to the right. Yeah there’s no train coming, but it’ll make people anxious

3) When on the train be the twat that shouts, “Can you move down the train please!” at least once every stop.

4) Encourage people from the platform on to a packed train. “Hey mate, you can squeeze on here.” Watch the annoyance around you.

5) When it’s your stop, bull doze through the crowd with a massive fucking bag on your shoulder, making sure you hit as many people as possible.

6) Don’t touch your Oyster card in properly, causing a build up behind you. Pretend you don’t need help and act like you can fix this yourself.

7) Walk next to someone on the way to the office, keeping same pace but just a step in front of them like you’re having a race. Speed up when they do.

8 ) Alternatively play The Straight Line Game. Rule: Walk in a straight line and refuse to move for anyone. This may result in bashing people.

9) When you’re at work ring the intercom and pretend you’re Mickey Mouse / Tina Turner / a pigeon.

10) And to start off the day, turn the ringer down on your colleague’s phone. Watch as their boss get shirty with them for ignoring their calls.