How To Perfect The Desk Cry.

Oh dear, you’re at work. And you’re about to cry.

What’s probably happened is you just fucked up that presentation because you’re far too hungover to be in the office*, the accounts department have refused another of your wage advance requests and you’re dangerously past your overdraft limit**, or that dickhead “boyfriend” you’ve been seeing for the past four months has just finished with you over instant messenger (twat.) You’re panicking because you can already feel the sting of those bastard tears, the nearest toilets are at least two floors away and there’s a voice in your head hysterically screaming, “You cannot let yourself publically cry at work!”

Calm down. This is the solution.


1) Rest your head on your hand whilst pretending to read an important document.

2) Let your hair hang over your face, like a pantomime curtain.

3) Do the cry! Just let it all go, but remember not to make a noise and to hold back on the big boo hoos.***

4) Wipe the tears away behind the curtain of hair, being careful not to smudge your mascara.

5) Now you’re ready to put your head up again and answer that phone that’s been ringing for the past 5 minutes.



* Drinking gin the night before to calm your nerves backfired.

** Someone needs to block the Top Shop website from your computer.

*** At this point there is the chance that your boss might come out of their office to ask you a question. It’s awkward, but you have no choice but to answer from behind the curtain of hair.