How To Have An Argument.

You’ll probably start off with the view-point that you are right and that the other person is wrong. This is a fantastic basis from which to start, offering the potential for a bit of prolonged conflict. So, go you! You’re doing a great job so far.

Initially the argument will involve a bit of tongue-biting, a few passive-aggressive comments – and then some wildly flung accusations. Once the voice-levels have risen, there’s no denying that you are now properly having a good old fucking argument…. Off you go!

Dragging Things Up From The Past

Whatever you’re arguing the toss over, its inevitable that stuff will be dragged up from the past – and it’s up to you whether you’re the first one to do this or not. If the other person gets there first, it can put you on the back-foot for a while and this means less points scoring for you. And things will always be brought up which you feel you’ve already been paid back in some way and are unfair to mention now.* Where is Even Stevens in his umpire seat when you need him, huh?

Red Mist

In the event of such unfairness, you might find the tongue-biting difficult and you’ll feel yourself teetering on the edge, totally aware that you can either shut this down right now and “Be the Better Person” or you can just snap.

I advise snapping. Hell, why not?

If you’re anything like me, you’ll go from ‘0 to Fuck You’ in ten seconds and then the veil of red mist comes shooting down.

You can pretty much do what you like now because you’ve officially “Lost It”. Shout, swear, aggressively wave your arms around to make a point. Break a mug or a plate (preferably nothing belonging to you), or you could even kick that stupid X-Box in its stupid face.** Almost certainly you’ll be told, “You’re being really irrational.” Yes, my friend, I fucking am – and there’s absolutely no way I’m going back now. This is your moment in the sun. If you’re going to make yourself look like a ridiculous, hormonal, unhinged loony, then this is the only way to do it.

Errr, Actually…

Part way through this highly-charged display of insanity, after you’ve realised that you keep meeting dead-ends in your lines of argument, there’s every possibility you’ll suddenly be hit with the awful thought, “Hang on, they’re actually making more sense than me.” DO NOT BE FOOLED BY THIS INSTINCT. For if you do, what is commonly known as “Losing the Argument” will come in to play. And we’ve come this far; just look at all of the hard work you’ve put in. There should absolutely be no backing out now.

Now, to many this may be known as “Stubbornness” and, to be honest, they can sodding well call it what they like, but the bottom line is WE ARE NOW CONTINUING WITH THE ARGUMENT EVEN THOUGH WE MIGHT NOT BE RIGHT.

“YOU’RE the fucking idiot”

They know you’re not right; you know you’re not right. Intelligent argument [from your side] has gone out of the window, and you’re floundering.

The only thing left is to start on the childish insults. Hey, even start repeating stuff they say in a stupid voice.

It’ll get them all wound up – and to be honest, this is the only point of strength you have at the moment. The conversation will go around in circles, but the amount of times you can say, “No – YOU’RE the fucking idiot” is infinite.

Storming Off

Every good argument should involve some sort of storming off. It’s up to you how dramatic you want to make this, but some door slamming and the surreptitious [albeit still loud enough to be heard] mumbling of, “You’re such a cunt sometimes” always fits the bill quite nicely.

It’s very important to realise that, if you go down this route, you’ve now officially entered the “Sulking” phase – and this carries a lot of responsibility.

If you’ve stormed off in to your bedroom***, that means you shouldn’t come out until the morning because you’re doing what is known as “Making A Point.” If you haven’t eaten dinner, or have forgotten that the latest episode of “Mad Men” is on in 10 minutes and the telly is in the lounge, then that’s  sodding well tough. You have to stay in the bedroom and starve/ make do with reading Mad Men tweets until the morning. A good tip is to always have a 12-pack of Monster Munch in your bedroom as back-up, because you never know when an argument is going to go this far.

Having the Last Word

This solitary period offers time for reflection and obsessing over those clever and witty things you SHOULD have said but didn’t. If you come up with a real belter, then this is the only time you are allowed to come out of the bedroom, storm downstairs and say it anyway – despite it now being entirely out of context. And then you must flounce back upstairs again.

I hope that helps. Now if you’ll excuse me – I’ve got about nine hours until the morning and ten packets of Monster Munch to get through…


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*Warning: Situations such as sleeping with your boyfriend’s best friend are ALWAYS difficult to rectify and will put you on shaky ground during the argument.

**OMG I hate that fucking X-Box.

**This only really works if you’re having an argument at home. I doubt the man on the tube who kept shoving his back-pack in your face will really care if you storm off to your bedroom or not.