Oh dear, you’re at work. And you’re about to cry.
What’s probably happened is you just fucked up that presentation because you’re far too hungover to be in the office*, the accounts department have refused another of your wage advance requests and you’re dangerously past your overdraft limit**, or that dickhead “boyfriend” you’ve been seeing for the past four months has just finished with you over instant messenger (twat.) You’re panicking because you can already feel the sting of those bastard tears, the nearest toilets are at least two floors away and there’s a voice in your head hysterically screaming, “You cannot let yourself publically cry at work!”
Calm down. This is the solution.
HOW TO PERFECT THE DESK CRY
1) Rest your head on your hand whilst pretending to read an important document.
2) Let your hair hang over your face, like a pantomime curtain.
3) Do the cry! Just let it all go, but remember not to make a noise and to hold back on the big boo hoos.***
4) Wipe the tears away behind the curtain of hair, being careful not to smudge your mascara.
5) Now you’re ready to put your head up again and answer that phone that’s been ringing for the past 5 minutes.
* Drinking gin the night before to calm your nerves backfired.
** Someone needs to block the Top Shop website from your computer.
*** At this point there is the chance that your boss might come out of their office to ask you a question. It’s awkward, but you have no choice but to answer from behind the curtain of hair.
Jesus Christ, I’m hashtag trending!
Company magazine have written about my anti-valentines cards in their February issue.
Keep your eyes peeled for anti-vallies cards to give to your insignificant other. They’ll be up VERY SOON.
It’s also been pointed out to me that “trending” isn’t the same as “trendy.”
*Reaches for the gin bottle and weeps as she realises this will never come true.*
And thus the blog is started! With an initial post which acts more of a disclaimer, really. Open your ears wide because this is the only time I’m ever going to say this: SORRY.
Sorry if you were actually looking for a nice cutesy card for Aunty Grace; Sorry if my cards break up your marriage/ get you sacked/ widen that family rift which was, quite frankly, just going to get bigger anyway; Sorry if you find any of my stuff offensive, or if I go too far (actually can this disclaimer just cover me for the whole of my life?**)
Oh sod it, who cares? If you get your knickers all in a twist then you need to get a better sense of humour and get the frigg off my site. Go on! *chases off porch with a broom*
** I’m mainly thinking here of Christmas day, when making dinner, and the boyfriend’s mum said, “I just Skyped Uncle David. He was slurring a lot.”
“Oh has he been drinking already?”, said I.
With an expression of stone she told me that, “No. He had a stroke.”
And, as the tumble-weed swept across the kitchen, my boyfriend caught my eye and gave me a look that I don’t THINK I’d ever quite seen before but I’m guessing said something like, “This is definitely the end for us this time”. As I blanched the sprouts, my mind drifted and I wondered if My Single Friend would be offering any new years deals… Well no harm in having a quick look after dinner, I suppose.